Building a Great
Relationship with Your Child, Part Two
In part
one of this two-part series, Dr. Laura Markham discussed her first six of
her 13 ways to build a great relationship with your child. Read on for the
rest.
7. Think of
relationships as the slow accretion of daily interactions. You don’t have to do anything special to build a
relationship with your child. The good -- and bad -- news is that every
interaction creates the relationship. Grocery shopping, carpooling and bathtime
matter as much as that big talk you have when there’s a problem. He doesn’t
want to share his toy, or go to bed, or do his homework? How you handle it is
one brick in the foundation of your permanent relationship, as well as his
ideas about all relationships.
That’s one reason
it’s worth thinking through any recurring interactions that get on your nerves
to see how you might handle them differently. Interactions that happen more
than once tend to initiate a pattern. Nagging and criticizing are no basis for
a relationship with someone you love. And besides, your life is too short for
you to spend it in a state of annoyance.
8. Communication habits start early.
Do you listen when she prattles on interminably about her friends at preschool,
even when you have more important things to think about? Then she’s more likely
to tell you about her interactions with boys when she’s fourteen.
It’s hard to pay
attention when you’re rushing to pick up food for dinner and get home, but if
you aren’t really listening, two things happen. You miss an opportunity to
learn about and teach your child, and she learns that you don’t really listen
so there’s not much point in talking.
9. Don't take it personally. Your
teenager slams the door to her bedroom. Your ten year old huffs "Mom, you
never understand!" Your four year old screams "I hate you,
Daddy!" What's the most important thing to remember? DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! This isn't primarily about you, it's about them: their tangled up feelings,
their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand
and express their emotions. Taking it personally wounds you, which means you do
what we all do when hurt: either close off, or lash out, or both. Which just
worsens a tough situation for all concerned.
Remembering not to
take it personally means you:
- Take a deep breath
- Let the hurt go
- Remind yourself that your child
does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment
- Consciously lower your voice
- Try hard to remember what it feels
like to be a kid who is upset and over-reacting.
- Think through how to respond
calmly and constructively.
You can still set
limits, but you do it from as calm a place as you can muster. Your child will
be deeply grateful, even if she can't acknowledge it at the moment.
I'm not for a minute
suggesting that you let your child treat you disrespectfully. I'm suggesting
you act out of love, rather than anger, as you set limits. And if you're too
angry to get in touch with your love at the moment, then wait.
10.
Resist the impulse to be punitive. How would you feel about someone who hurt, threatened, or
humiliated you, "for your own good"? Kids do need our guidance,
but punishing your child always erodes your relationship, which makes your
child misbehave more. See Positive Discipline for more info on
handling your anger and setting effective limits.
11.
Don’t let little rifts build up. If something’s wrong between
you, find a way to bring it up and work it through positively. Choosing to
withdraw (except temporarily, strategically) when your child seems intent on
driving you away is ALWAYS a mistake. Every difficulty is an opportunity to get
closer or create distance.
12. Re-connect
after every separation.
Parents naturally provide an anchor, or compass, for kids to attach to and stay
oriented around. When they're apart from us they need a substitute, so they
orient themselves around teachers, coaches, electronics, or peers. When we
rejoin each other physically we need to also rejoin emotionally. Click
here for ideas on staying connected to your
child.
13.
Stay available. Most kids don’t keep an agenda and
bring things up at a scheduled meeting. And nothing makes them clam up faster
than pressing them to talk. Kids talk when something is up for them,
particularly if you've proven yourself to be a good listener, but not overly
attached to their opening up to you.
Being on hand when
they come home is a sure-fire way to hear the highlights of the day with
younger kids, and even, often, with older ones. With older kids, simply being
in the same room doing something can create the opportunity for interaction. If
you’re cooking dinner and she’s doing homework, for instance, or the two of you
are in the car alone, there's often an opening. Of course, if one of you is
hunched over the computer, the interaction is likely to be more limited. Find
ways to be in proximity where you’re both potentially available, without it
seeming like a demand.
This may seem
obvious, but stating your availability is helpful, even with teens. "I'll
be in the kitchen making dinner if you want me" or "I have to
run to the grocery store, but don't hesitate to call my cell phone if you need
me."
But the most
important part of staying available is a state of mind. Your child will sense
your emotional availability. Parents who have close relationships with their
teens often say that as their child has gotten older, they've made it a
practice to drop everything else if their teen signals a desire to talk. This
can be difficult if you're also handling a demanding job and other
responsibilities, of course. But kids who feel that other things are more
important to their parents often look elsewhere when they're emotionally needy.
And that's our loss, as much as theirs.
Dr. Laura Markham is both a mom
and a Clinical Psychologist with a Ph.D. from Columbia University. Her
relationship-based parenting model has helped thousands of families across the
U.S. and Canada find compassionate, common-sense solutions to everything from
separation anxiety and sleep problems, to sass talk and cell phones. Markham is
the founding editor of www.YourParentingSolutions.com
and www.AhaParenting.com. Her radio show airs at noon EST on Wednesdays at
MyExpertSolution.com, where she regularly takes on challenging questions from
parents who struggle with “the toughest, most rewarding job on earth.”
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