Bullying Prevention Skills and Techniques for Children

By Mark Lakewood

Bullying is a big problem in schools today.  Fortunately, the power rests within the victims of bullying to limit or eradicate it.  Victims of bullying are never responsible for being bullied and this article will teach parents how to help their child(ren) realize that and handle bullies.

It Starts With Self-Esteem
Bullies and their victims often share the same characteristic -- low self-esteem.  Whether a child internalizes or externalizes feelings will determine if they will become a bully or a bully’s target.  Typically, negative situations and events in a child’s life can trigger low self-esteem. 

Externalizing feelings can cause some children to become bullies as they attempt to control their environment to compensate for their lack of control in their family.  For example, children of divorcing parents may feel powerless in their ability to keep their parents together.  As a result, they might take out their rage on others for purposes of seeking control to compensate for their lack of control over the impending divorce.

Given the same scenario, some children internalize their feelings by not talking or acting out how they feel.  Instead, they become depressed and withdrawn.  Often, these children develop a negative image of themselves and their physical appearance.  They look at others and the world around them with shaded lens.  When a bully validates these feelings, these children often react negatively to the validation because they feel the bully is correct in their interpretation. 

Often times, children with high self-esteem do not respond negatively to bullies because they already know that negative personal statements made by the bully are untrue and therefore are unworthy of attention.

The main goal of bullies is to get their victims to experience fear, anger, or sadness.  Once their victim demonstrates signs of these emotions via words, body language, or actions, the bully has complete and total control.  The bullying will continue until the victim no longer verbally and/or physically displays fear, anger, or sadness in response to the bullying.  The bullying will end once the victim responds the opposite of what the bully expects.

The Power of Role-Play
How do we get children to react the opposite of what the bully expects?  This is where role-play comes in handy.  Parents should regularly sit down with their child(ren) to teach them how to react to bullies.  Often times, this task is much easier when the parents knows what hurtful words or phrases bullies say that makes their children fearful, angry, or sad.  Use these hurtful words in role-plays to emotionally prepare children when they are approached by bullies. 

It is also important to teach children that they have the power to change or affect the agenda of bullies by the words they use. For instance, if a bully calls a child ‘stupid,’ the child could defuse the bullying by responding, “That’s nice,” “How about that?” “Oh, well” and so forth.  The worst thing a child should do is respond with name-calling or other negative statements.  A negative response will only inflame the situation encouraging further bullying. 

In addition, parents should teach and role-play with their children specific forms of body language that differentiates a child with high self-esteem from a child with low self-esteem.  Body language communicates feelings more so than spoken words.  Lack of eye contact, slouched posture, lack of hygiene and low tone of voice can be viewed as symptoms of low self-esteem. 

More Steps
In addition to role-playing there are other steps parents can take to prepare their child(ren) for bullies.

Teach your child(ren) that bullies are rarely angry at them.
Bullies are typically angry at themselves and/or events that occurred or are occurring in their own life for which they have limited or no control.  Bullies indirectly take out their anger on the ones they could easily control. 

Never teach your child(ren) to physically fight back when approached by a bully.
The problem with fighting back is that children can get themselves into trouble for engaging in physically assaultive behavior.  Bullies rarely throw the first punch.  Instead, they always entice their victim into throwing the first punch so when they are asked who started the fight, the bully could easily and truthfully state that their victim started it.  In addition, there are significant legal ramifications that can arise as a result of physically assaultive behavior.

It is important to remember that physical violence typically occurs after a negative verbal interaction.  Violence typically is provoked and rarely unprovoked.  Therefore to avoid violence, the conflict can and should be defused during the verbal exchange.  This is why the words victims say and their body language are so significant and detrimental to the outcome of bullying.  Recent school shootings suggest that the shooters were bullied by their classmates.  The bullying subsequently provoked the school violence.

Be cautious when teaching your child(ren) to ignore bullies. 
The problem with ignoring is that the bully knows that his/her behavior is irritating, annoying, and controlling his/her victim.  Therefore, the bullying will continue.

Have your child(ren) try to resolve the conflict on their own.
Parents should encourage their child(ren) to first attempt to resolve the bullying on their own with the skills taught above.  If your child(ren) are unsuccessful resolving these issues on their own, report the bullying.  If your child(ren) automatically report the bullying without attempting to defuse the situation on their own, they will be perceived and labeled as a tattle-tale which will encourage the bullying to continue.

Teach your child(ren) the correct definition of the word ‘tattling.’
Some children think that reporting any child misbehavior to adults is considered tattling.  Teach your child(ren) that reporting on others just to see them get into trouble is considered tattling.  However, children always need to report to an adult if they were physically, sexually, or verbally harmed by others or if they witnessed others engaging in destructive or illegal behaviors. 

It is very easy to feel sympathetic toward victims of child bullying.  However, it would be more helpful to them if we are more empathic to their needs by empowering them to diffuse bullying on their own.  As a result, their ability to defuse the bullying would ultimately raise their level of self-esteem and self-worth.

About the Author:
Mark Lakewood, CEO, is a distinguished bullying prevention expert, author, and speaker with over 20 years of clinical experience as a family therapist.  He provided clinical and consultation services to school personnel and students on issues of bullying and behavior management. He facilitates the Standing Up To Bullying Conference.

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