Every parent wants his child to have lots of friends and to get along with others. Sometimes, however, it doesn't come easily. Here are six strategies parents can use to help their child develop social skills.
1.Don't take sides when she fights with her friends. Listen to her views. Reflect her feelings. You can hypothesize with her about the other person's point of view, but don't make one person wrong. ("I wonder if Angelina’s feelings were hurt when you and Jing Lin wouldn't join her club.")
2. Listen when he has peer challenges, which all kids do. If you tell him what to do, you put him in an untenable position. Instead, help him to clarify his feelings and to problem solve the issue.
3. Avoid negating your child's perceptions about another person. Instead, reflect and help clarify. As our feelings are acknowledged, we all restate, refine, and move past our upset. For instance, instead of saying, "I don't think Kiesha meant to be mean to you, and of course you can't un-invite her to your party!" it would be more effective to say, "When Kiesha said that in front of the other kids, it really embarrassed and hurt you. You think she did it on purpose, and it makes you so mad you don't even want her at your party." With this kind of mirroring, she's likely to get past her hurt and anger and make a better decision about how to proceed.
4. Bossiness is often a challenge with early elementary school children. All kids want to get their own way AND still have other kids play with them. Learning to negotiate is a critical skill at this age, and parental intervention should merely guide your child, not solve the problem. Try asking questions: “Is it more important to you to play the game your way or to have Catherine play with you?” When another child is bossy, your daughter may need suggestions from you about tactful ways to negotiate with her friends. Help her with scripts: “I really want to play with you, Jasmine, but we’ve been playing dress-up all morning, and I don’t feel like it anymore. What can we do that we both want to do?”
5. Be sensitive to cues from other parents and children, and intervene early. For instance, if a parent says your son hit her son, be sure your son knows how disappointed you are. Help your son think about how he would have felt in the other child’s shoes, and go with him to apologize. Explore fully with him what happened and what he can do to control himself next time. Be clear that regardless of provocation, what he does with his body is always his responsibility.
6. Help your child think through various problem-solving options. Often, once kids work through their feelings, they know what action to take. “I’m not mad at Sam anymore, and I miss playing with him.” But if he doesn’t, help him brainstorm. Sometimes he'll need help from you to know how to say no in a way that keeps both his friend and his integrity.
About the author: Dr. Laura Markham is both a mom and a clinical psychologist with a Ph.D. from Columbia University. Her relationship-based parenting model has helped thousands of families across the U.S. and Canada find compassionate, common-sense solutions to everything from separation anxiety and sleep problems, to sass talk and cell phone. Markham is the founding editor of Aha! Parenting. Her radio show airs at noon Eastern time on Wednesdays at MyExpertSolution, where she regularly takes on challenging questions from parents who struggle with the toughest, most rewarding job on earth.
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