How to
Help Your Child Adjust to a New Baby
It is completely natural for your child to be jealous of a
new baby. In fact, I doubt there is a child in the world who has not been
jealous when a new sibling arrives. Your goal is to help your child manage that
jealousy so love has a chance to grow, and to win out.
Anything you can do while you're
pregnant to prepare your child will be helpful. Your goal is to get her excited
about the baby, and feeling connected to it, even before it is born. There is a
whole article about how to prepare your child for the birth of the new baby on
my website.
During the birth, you'll want to
make sure your older child doesn't feel abandoned. Having mom vanish to the
hospital is often traumatic for little ones, and makes it more difficult for
them to welcome the new baby when mom finally shows up with him. Here's an article
that should be helpful as you think through how
to prepare your little one for the separation while you birth the new baby.
Finally, the million dollar
question: What do you do to minimize sibling rivalry -- and your older child's
natural panic reaction -- once the baby is born?
1. Have dad carry the
baby in the door. You
go straight to your other child, scoop him or her up into your arms, and do a
lot of adoring hugging and kissing.
2. Make your child
the hero in the eyes of the baby (and in her own eyes). When you get a moment alone with your
two youngest, call your child over to snuggle with you and the baby. (Make sure
any other kids are occupied elsewhere, you should do this with each child
separately.) Tell the baby that you want to introduce Big Sister, who is a
wonderful girl that you hope Baby will aspire to be like. List all the
wonderful things you love about your two-year-old, that Baby will get to know.
3. Better living
through bonding:
Then let Big Sister sit and hold the baby, helping her to support his head.
Bonding experts say that babies' heads give off pheromones, and when we inhale
them, we fall in love, and begin to feel protective. The more your older child
snuggles the new sib, the better their relationship is likely to be.
4. Make sure each of
your kids knows they still have an important role in the family. Reinforce all the wonderful things about
who they are and how they contribute to the family. "Jess, I love the way you help me," or "Sara, I love the way you make me
laugh," which note specific contributions, help your child
develop a sense of why she's still a valuable member of the family. Talk often
about the fact that each member of the family is important in their own way and
makes their own special contribution. The family needs each person for it to be
whole.
5. Naturally your
child will be testing you to be sure you still love her. Keep your relationship with her as smooth
and affectionate as possible, sidestepping power struggles and minimizing
conflicts. But keep your usual limits, which will help her feel secure. (By
limits, I don't mean punishment, which always backfires. Set limits, like bedtime
or no hitting, and enforce them with empathy.)
6. This is not the time,
for asking your older child to be a big kid. Delay potty training, making her give up
her bottle or pacifier, etc. If she wakes up more often for your reassurance at
night, and you can't go to her because of the baby, make sure Dad comforts her
and parents her back to sleep. Expect regression. Let her be a baby as much as
she wants to be. Give her lots of extra love and attention.
7. Keep your kids'
routines the same as they were before the baby as much as possible. This will provide a buffer against the
stress of so much change and insecurity.
8. Never leave a
toddler or preschooler unsupervised with the baby. Little ones cannot be expected to control
those jealous emotions and the stakes are just too high to take a chance.
Supervise closely. Try to avoid admonishing your child. If you notice her
getting rough, quickly move the baby away from her, and distract her with a
question, song or story.
9. Don't make
everything about the baby. Keep
your cooing for private times. Instead of saying you're waiting for the baby to
wake up before you can go out to play, say you're waiting for the laundry to
finish, or the casserole to bake, or for a phone call. Instead of "When I'm done with the baby I'll
help you," say
"I'll be there as soon as my hands are free."
10. Read (with your
child) every book you can find on siblings with new babies. Use these as a springboard to make
observations about your child's feelings. Your goal is to give your child words
for her feelings, because that helps her manage them rather than having to act
them out. Encourage bonding, but allow all the negative feelings too. Be
direct: "I know it's hard
to have me busy with the baby when you want me." Commiserate: "Babies sure take a lot of time,
don't they!" Here's
a list of great books for big sibs to help with adjusting to life with the new
baby.
11. Expect grief. Your older child needs to grieve what
he's lost: his exclusive relationship
with you. His status as the only child. Your concentrated time and attention.
Think of the worst romantic breakup you've ever had and multiply by 1000. If
he's whiny and cranky, reframe the way you see him. Your child is in pain. He
is mourning. He can't put into words what he is unhappy about, and he isn't
upset for the reason he thinks. But he needs your help to heal. So when he acts
like needy or whiny, hold him and empathize:
"Seems like you feel so sad right now. Seems like you hurt inside. You
know Mommy loves you so much. Mommy is always here for a hug if you feel sad.
Come snuggle with me while I feed the baby. Let's read your favorite
books." Allow him to cry in your arms as much as he wants.
Then help him find a way to feel better. Let him see that while he can't always
have what he wants, he can get something that is in some ways even better: A
mother who understands and sympathizes, who accepts all of him, and who helps
him to feel better.
12. Spend as much
positive alone-time as possible every single day with each child. When there's another adult around, let
them hold the baby while you snuggle with your toddler and/or preschooler. When
you sit down to feed the baby, invite your older kids over for a read-a-thon.
They will look forward to those times.
Dr. Laura Markham is both a mom
and a Clinical Psychologist with a Ph.D. from Columbia University. Her
relationship-based parenting model has helped thousands of families across the
U.S. and Canada find compassionate, common-sense solutions to everything from
separation anxiety and sleep problems, to sass talk and cell phones. Markham is
the founding editor of www.YourParentingSolutions.com and www.AhaParenting.com.
Her radio show airs at noon EST on Wednesdays at MyExpertSolution.com, where
she regularly takes on challenging questions from parents who struggle with “the
toughest, most rewarding job on earth.”
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