10 WAYS TO CREATE SIBLING RIVALRY

Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman

The Wilson’s two children don’t like each other. The Archer girls publicly put each other down. The Gonzalez boys pout if they aren’t first, don’t win, or don’t do better than the other. This condition is called sibling rivalry and in each of these cases it was unconsciously created by the parents.

Do you want to make sure you don’t inadvertently encourage sibling rivalry in your family? Do you want to avoid the ways many parents promote tension among their children? If so, read on and consider the top ten ways parents promote sibling rivalry without even knowing it. Then, if you decide sibling rivalry is not something you want to encourage in your family, do the opposite.

1. Compare your children to one another and let them know you are doing it. Say things like, “Your brother never acts that way,” and “If your sister can do it, why can’t you?” Holding one child up as the model and using that model to encourage better behavior on the part of the sibling is a sure way to create resentment and divisiveness among your children.

2. Put one child in charge of the other. Having to watch a younger brother while the parent runs out to the mailbox or convenience store can create resentment. Making the older child babysit during the summer while you are working is asking for sibling conflict. The older one will resent the fact that he has to do the sitting and the younger one will resent that he has to be watched by, in his view, a peer.

3. Allow humorous teasing or “gentle and loving” putdowns. There is no such thing as a loving or gentle putdown. Teasing is not funny! Making fun of someone or having a laugh at someone else’s expense, no matter how small, still hurts. Teasing is never appropriate in loving families. A joke is not a joke if it is not a joke.  When teasing occurs, someone ends up the recipient. That person often finds himself in a defensive position and feels  he has to attack back to create balance and save face.

4. Always give the younger child hand-me-downs. This ritual, if done often, can create a feeling of being a second-hand person or less than the other child, who gets the new things. When this occurs, the younger one often strives to be first or to get more attention. Yes, the economics in some families make hand-me-downs a necessity. In these cases, make sure the younger child gets something new occasionally and the older one gets some passed on clothing as well.

5. Reward tattling. When children tattle, follow up by punishing those that were tattled on. This is a sure way to promote sibling rivalry. Refuse to listen to both sides of the story to further increase sibling rivalry. Create an atmosphere where the first person to get his story out is “in the right.” If you want sibling rivalry to grow in your home, do not invest time teaching your children when it is important to tell (health and safety issues) and when and how they can handle the situation on their own.

6. Ask your kids to spy. Tell your son, “I want to know if your sister uses the phone while I’m gone.” Inform your younger one, “If he splashes you again, let me know.” Tell one child, “The computer is off limits while I am gone. Your sister is going to be watching you to see if you follow the rules.”

7. Buy and play many competitive games designed so there is one winner and many losers. Focus strongly on the importance of winning, and downplay the process of playing, learning, and having fun. This way your children who have lost can fight back by playing a new game that no one else knows is even being played. The new game is called “Getting Even.”

8. Create even more competition in your family. Design artificial competition to manipulate a desired behavior such as seeing who can get ready for bed first. Use lots of competitive Parent Talk, including, “The last one up the stairs is a rotten egg,” or “The first one with their coat on gets to pick where they want to sit.”

9. Attempt to be fair. Make sure everyone has the same amount of orange drink in their cup or the same number of French fries on their plate. Did you cut equal amounts of cake? Even when you do, children don’t always see it that way. An effort to be consistently fair will create an atmosphere where the children are constantly checking to make sure they have the same or slightly more than the other child.

10. Run your house like a democracy. Put every decision to a vote. If two of the three kids always like to eat out at a pizza place and the third one likes Mexican food, the one who likes Mexican food will get outvoted every time. Resolving all disputes by voting does not protect the interests of the child in the minority.

Put these ideas to work in your family today and it won’t be long before sibling rivalry will be firmly installed in your family dynamic. Once you have it thriving, call up your brother or sister and brag about how competitive your children are. Challenge your own sister to a contest. See which one of you can win by creating the best rivalry within your respective families.You just might win, but don’t be surprised if your sister gets mad and pouts or attempts to get even.

Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The Only Three Discipline Strategies You Will Ever Need: Essential Tools for Busy Parents. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or to obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their website today: www.personalpowerpress.com.

Good Kid vs. Bad Kid

 Frequently, I receive calls on the Parental Support Line involving sibling rivalry conflicts. An important thing to remember is that sibling rivalry is a normal emotional state in children. Children compete with each other for their parent’s approval and affection. In fact, adult children still can feel competitive about their parents’ attention. One of our jobs as parents is to teach siblings how to get along with each other.  After all, we want them to continue to have a successful relationship when they are adults.

"Don’t place your child in the role of “good kid” or “bad kid.” Anyone involved in a conflict very likely shares some responsibility."

Here are some specific ways to cut down on the sibling rivalry in your household:

1. Don’t choose between your children. During sibling conflicts, parents should coach the children on how to solve the problem of getting along with each other instead of deciding who is “right” and who is “wrong.” Choosing between your children just increases the rivalry.

If a child comes to you with a complaint about another, coach them how to go back and solve the problem. For example, if one child is complaining that their sibling won’t get off the computer, suggest that they go back to their sibling and make a request instead of a demand. “I’ve got a special project due that will take about two hours. Can we figure out what time I can use the computer for this?”

Don’t decide who’s right or wrong. Remember, The Total Transformation Program tells us we do not need to attend every argument we’re invited to. That can include being asked to join an argument between the siblings. Instead, help your kids develop skills to compromise, to be fair, and to take turns. Develop family systems of how to share. Kitchen timers or odd and even numbered days can help with taking turns. And teach kids skills to calm and soothe themselves while they wait for their turn, like deep breathing, reading a book, or doing some exercise.  

2. Don’t place your child in the role of “good kid” or “bad kid.” Be aware of placing your children into certain roles. Be especially careful not to have one child in the role of the “bad kid” and the other the “good kid.”  No child is all bad or all good. The “bad kid” is very likely to be jealous of the parental approval the “good kid” receives. At times this gets the better of him and he attacks the child whom the parents perceive as being the “good” one. Sometimes it is an unprovoked attack, but usually it is not. Anyone involved in a conflict very likely shares some responsibility. I’ve heard parents tell of stories of the “bad kid” attacking the “good kid,” but after investigating these stories with the parent, it becomes clear that the “good kid” had something to do with setting up the “bad kid.” I received a call from a parent wanting to know an effective consequence to use on her son. She had two boys, one of whom was always causing trouble. This “bad kid” had just physically attacked his brother in the laundry room. She was only interested in consequences for this bad kid behavior. After discussing everything that occurred between the brothers in the laundry room, it turned out that they were arguing over who was to do their laundry at that moment and the “good kid” had taken the “bad kid’s” clothes from the washer and thrown them onto the floor. The “bad kid” is usually the only one who gets punished in these situations.  A danger in labeling a child as the “bad kid” is that they will give up trying to do anything right because they are always blamed for any problems among the siblings. The “good kid” gets a lot of satisfaction from this and reinforcement from the parent from their “good kid” role. Sometimes the “bad kid” is the most emotionally honest of the children. That’s why it’s so important not to decide who’s right or wrong during a conflict, but to challenge your children to find a way to get along with each other.

3. Brush off the teasing or else "Stop the Show." Another common problem among siblings is teasing. Help them deal with teasing by teaching them to ignore the teasing, to ‘kid back’ or agree with the teasing in a humorous way: When a sibling says, “You stink!” They can reply, “Why thank you. That’s what I was going for.” So again, it’s best to challenge your children to work it out between themselves, and if they cannot, require that both children Stop the Show (See The Total Transformation, Lesson 4)  and take a break until they can resume interacting together in an acceptable way. If the conflict turns physical or the kids’ fighting continues to escalate, separate them until they're calm.  If you need to instruct them how to handle a situation more effectively, wait until everyone has calmed down.

4. Develop a culture of accountability in your family. I’ll hear parents say the “bad kid” is teaching the younger children how to misbehave. When the younger children act out, the “bad kid” gets blamed for that too.  As James Lehman says in the Total Transformation Program, it is important to develop a “Culture of Accountability” in our families. Teach your children that they, not an older sibling, are accountable for their own behaviors.

5. Don’t make the mistake of ignoring the child who behaves well. Always having to be the “good kid” is problematic too. Watch out that the child who is behaving appropriately is not ignored.  Remember that behaviors that are ignored decrease, while behaviors which receive attention increase. So pay a lot of attention to good behavior, using James Lehman’s Strategic Recognition and Affection technique (See The Total Transformation, Lesson 4).

6. As parents, Role Model how to resolve problems and disagreements in respectful and non-aggressive ways. You set the strongest example for your children.  Have fun times together as a family. Try to eat dinner together without the TV on. While you're watching a movie, playing catch or a board game, you can Role Model peaceful ways to spend time together as a family. Show them how to resolve an argument amicably, as parents.

7. Treat each child as an individual. Finally, sibling rivalry is about the competition for parental attention and approval. Reduce the competition by treating each child as a unique individual and giving each child your attention and your affection. Make sure each parent spends time with each child alone, doing something the child enjoys. Some mothers and fathers have a monthly “date” with each child individually. Remember that one of the best ways to combat sibling rivalry is to tell your child why you love them, what makes them unique in your eyes, and why they are special to you.

Sibling Rivalry: Good Kid vs. Bad Kid reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com. Carole Banks, MSW, LCSW is the Parental Support Line Manager and a family therapist.  She holds a Masters degree in Clinical Social Work from the University of New England. She has been doing family therapy work for over 10 years and maintains a private mental health practice. She is the mother of three grown children and the grandmother of two, and has had firsthand experience dealing with sibling rivalry.